Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Randomize
