i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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