too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
