Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
