Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
