just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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