You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
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He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
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HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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