I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
