Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
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