Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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