i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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