this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
