the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
