my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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