At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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