Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
