Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Randomize
