that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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