I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
