I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
