Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
