I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
