my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I need a beard to bite.
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