Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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