I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
