Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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