When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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