your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Randomize
