Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
