What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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