I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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