He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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