What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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