the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Send help, water and tortillas.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
