I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
