You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
