She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Every concussion has its silver lining
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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