I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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