my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
