3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
accomplished twins. life is a go
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
25 Disturbing Facts That Will Make You Question Everything
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
31 People Admit To Nasty Things They Do On The Reg
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.