Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
