what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
