Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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