It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
