Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
