I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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