So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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