I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
At least make sure they are 18
Why
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
