He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
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