I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize