i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
