Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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