My sheets look like a crime scene.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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