just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
